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24 hours to go

January 9, 2017

The day before surgery. I try and get a good nights sleep, but here I am awake at 1:29am. I just want to get today over so I can get this started. I’ve tried to go back to sleep 3 times , but it’s now 5:06am and Mya has to be up in two hours for school. This is my last day driving her for awhile, my last day to fix her hair and get her dressed. It’s always such a fight such a hassle how will anyone else handle it? Last night I asked her to brush her teeth like 6 times, and finally threatened “the longer you take the less time we have for books! If you don’t go now we aren’t reading tonight!”. She just looked at me put her arms out like Frankenstein dropped her lip and started bawling. I grabbed her for a hug and couldn’t help but cry too. 

 

She picked out “chemo cat” and “ Molly the muffin fairy” both great reads. Both about dealing with unfair circumstances and overcoming them with a positive attitude and good family and friends. 

 

I want to enjoy every second but it’s like we still have to live life! She still has to listen, follow rules and go to school. I wish we could just take today off and go have fun! Take her to the EpicCenter to play games and run around! I wish Jerome could take a day off work without it cutting into our bills and having to take from our savings. I wish I didn’t fucking have CANCER! 

 

My life seems like a series of unfortunate events some days. Like the moment I think I have it all together and life is great something happens. I bet we all feel that way? Like different levels of it. I know it could be worse. I know it. 

 

I try and be thankful be appreciative be present but I find myself still yelling, still angry unnecessarily still frustrated with my circumstances. I’ve got it pretty awesome. I stay home, I don’t have to worry about Work or where my next meal is coming from. My insurance is great and I have the money to cover my treatments. My daughter is healthy, intelligent and 99% of the time adorable. My husband loves me, treats me with respect, works harder than any man I’ve ever met and is overall a really amazing human being. My sisters have my back no matter what and both my parents are there for me as much as their own capacities allow. I have stepchildren who have given me the gift of seeing another generation blossom. The gift of a child close to my child’s age who is blood who is family who will be there long after I’m gone. I had great grandparents into my 20’s and a grandfather who saw and held his great granddaughter. A grandmother who instilled not just religion and faith in me but spiritually and grace. I have so much to be thankful for 34 years is more than many get.

Maggie sent you a hug.
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Thinking of you Jennifer. Good luck tomorrow and stay strong. Tomorrow, I also start my chemo/radiation treatment for anal cancer (I was just diagnosed on 12/12/17). Try to find the positive, and be as active and healthy as you can. Wishing you the best. Hugs.
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Vital Info

Posts

January 6, 2018

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Santa Rosa, California 95407

September 27, 1983

Cancer Fighter

Cancer Info

Breast Cancer

Invasive Ductal Carcinoma

December 6

Stage 2

1.1 - 2.0 cm

Grade 3

Positive

Positive

No

Yes

The unknown. The helplessness. The guilt of knowing my genes could be passed to my daughter.

That I love life but mostly That I love MY life.

Encourage me!

Their time!

Stay active!

Don’t sweat the small stuff!

Lumps on breast. Breast feeling like it was lactating or tingly. Nipple tingles and sometimes feeling like sharp pains through nipple.

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